“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6
Sometimes I think we view Proverbs 3:5-6 more along this vein, “Trust in the Lord with all my heart, and pray He blesses all the decisions I think are great and all the detours I choose to take along the journey.” Our understanding is SO limited. As we see little pieces of the puzzle we often try to cram it in the place that seems best, trying to make it fit. We often get so far ahead of God, trying to "help" Him. Or, we lag so far behind Him as we tremble in fear.
I remember the excitement I had when we sold our house in March of 2015 and pulled away from it in our 1997 Winnebago Adventurer. Our family was going to live in an RV while preparing to launch a new church in the Los Angeles area. I’d had a yard sale, given things away, donated items and stored some for when we settled in California, but as I looked around the 34 foot motor home wondering how I was going to be able to put all the items away that I had saved, I quickly realized it wasn’t all staying unless we wanted our RV to look like an episode from the tv show “Hoarders”. We started another pile of things to donate.
What an appropriate name for an RV, “Adventurer.” Problem was, I had never been much for adventure. I liked plans. I liked to know where I was going and how long I was going to be there, but this wasn’t possible. We had stepped out in faith to come to the great unknown. We were going to travel the country asking churches to support us as we launched the new church. We had our goal of when we wanted to arrive in Pasadena-one year. Ahhh Pasadena. It has some of the most expensive home prices in America.
Humbling- asking people for money was the last thing in the world Phillip and I liked doing. We liked to give. We liked to be prepared to meet others’ needs, but that wasn’t where God brought us. He realized something that I never had fully grasped. How could He truly be in control of my life if I was always grasping for control. Jesus, who deserved all things and all glory, humbled himself to become a man and let people provide for his physical needs- even though He could have just made bread appear and made his own sandals and robes. The great I AM, Creator of the universe, became a man of no reputation while still being completely capable as God.
If Jesus had no place to lay His head, who was I to think I couldn’t walk a nomadic path and live by faith?
“Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ’s sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy. If ye be reproached for the name of Christ, happy are ye; for the spirit of glory and of God resteth upon you: on their part he is evil spoken of, but on your part he is glorified.”1 Peter 4:12-14
We weren’t really suffering by most countries’ standards; but I sure felt like it when our water heater went out in our RV. We were somewhere in the mountains in the middle of nowhere on the last day in October, and I had to take a freezing cold shower.
We had asked the Lord to do something miraculous in our lives and ministry. We had told God we were ready to get out of the boat like Peter and walk on the water to Him. Now, in our own type of way we were, and it felt so scary. I was realizing how I weak I was. I cried a lot the first couple of months. I thought I could do this thing of the unknown. Maybe I can’t. I felt myself sinking.
One month into our deputation, ONE MONTH, I cried out to the Lord in fear wondering if we were going to make it to Pasadena. Wow, can I relate to Peter. I felt as though I was sinking into a hopelessness of sorts. Living together in the small space and rushing around the country from church to church not having any idea how long all this was going to take to get to Pasadena seemed frustrating. I asked God, “Lord, how could this be a good use of my time? Wouldn’t you rather I be serving You where you called us in Pasadena instead of me having to apologize to my family on a regular basis for my bad attitude and fearfulness?” See, it was easy to think we were a good Christian family- so nice to each other when we had our big house, a normal schedule, two cars and the comforts of a familiar situation. But now, it seemed like God was farther away.
“On the left hand, where he doth work, but I cannot behold him: he hideth himself on the right hand, that I cannot see him: But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.” Job 23:9-10
He wasn’t far at all. He showed me very clearly that day that He was refining me. When He was finished, I would be ready to serve Him in Pasadena. You see, when we are living in the center of God’s will, the toughest times aren’t God punishing us. They are there to make us more like Him. That day, I told the Lord I wanted to be easy for Him to mold. I wanted to make it easy for Him to break me. I wouldn’t resist or question. If He needed to work on me, I would be workable. Did my situation change immediately? No, but one year later I was in Pasadena, Ca with a more trusting and tender heart than ever before. My loving Savior graciously reminded me that he had EVERYTHING under control and that He didn’t need me to hold it all together for Him. Instead, He wanted me to let Him hold it all together. He wanted me to learn His heart, to be more like Mary. This was my opportunity to learn to sit at His feet. It was my turn to love Him and to worship Him in the stillness. “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
What do I learn at His feet? I learn I do not find my fulfillment in what I do. I find my peace in what He does. My time at Jesus’ feet helps me to understand His heart a little better and builds my desire to plunge into whatever area He wants me to serve Him in when my time of waiting is over.
“For God maketh my heart soft, and the Almighty troubleth me:” Job 23:16
